“Does the bunny have a dad?” My son interrupted the bedtime story I was reading one evening as he shifted his little body around to get comfortable. I was confused by his question but tried to play along.
“Oh sure, I bet he has a dad.”
“But he’s not in the story,” my son rebutted matter-of-factly.
“Ohhh.” I understood what he was saying. “Yeah, he’s just not included, he’s probably just busy.” I reasoned why the picture book only made room for a bunny and its mom, as well as a balloon, and the moon.
“I bet he’s out RUNNING!” he exclaimed with pride, his four-year-old brain having solved the bunny mystery with the clearest explanation he could reason.
He was overjoyed, but I was mortified. If “out running” is your child’s most logical explanation for “Where’s Dad?” then you’re probably also an Endurance Dad.
Physical strength.
Mental clarity.
Social connection.
The reasons for running are clear, but for runners who’ve added children to our days, the benefits of endurance sports lie in constant tension with this growing obligation.
Why we run
No one who’s been around an irritable athlete deprived of their routine exertion would argue against the need for a few miles, but what is the threshold between justifiable self-care and indulgent hobby?
“How about you just go for a run…” My wife wisely advises in those unfortunate moments. Having realized there’s nothing either of us can say that will solve the situation as well as me taking space to get outside and elevate my heart rate.
As an athlete, I specialize in inventing rationales. Since nearly all my actions are deemed “excessive” by standard society, who’s to say what’s too much?
My body whispers and then screams when training stress is unreasonable, which serves as a check on physical injury, but what signals my limit on parental absence?
As a seasoned Endurance Dad, I’m quick to explain, standing in a sweat-stained shirt and worn trainers, that these efforts amount to more than just exercise, they serve as an inspiring example for the next generation. These routines act as a model of health, effort, and the importance of daily habits, I reason. And that much might be true. But does my kid care much whether I got out before dawn for 5, 10, or 20k? A training plan clearly distinguishes between such efforts, but my son only knows that since I was out running my morning hugs are “sweaty and gross.”
Of course, a dad’s endurance dreams can also serve to illustrate life’s larger objectives. If done well they can culminate into efforts that prove hard things are worth doing, perseverance is important, and dreams are worth chasing. Yet when I returned from last fall’s Boston Marathon and excitedly greeted my son with a shiny medal, he gladly accepted it as a glimmering necklace, and then immediately asked if we could go play in the basement. He was appreciative, but mostly just glad that I was home.
“Did you win?!” He shrieked and then moved on without interest in time or place.
As a kid should.
Presence As A Parent
Having been raised by an Endurance Dad, I always knew he had run many races, some so long that they were called “marathons.” I distinctly recall his absence during some early AMs, but only recently circled back as an adult to ask about the outcome of those efforts. Parents stand as our protective giants, their importance implicit to our existence and safety. Does it matter how high they rank on a results sheet?
I justify that my efforts create meaning, but mostly what my son wants is…just for me to be around.
The coldest, most mundane parenting truth I’ve learned since my son arrived is that sometimes he needs nothing from me other than just being there.
Present.
Not to get him food, to play games, or to perform any specific task that would give me a sense of purpose. No, just my presence affords him the safety to explore the edges of his expanding world.
Two places
The hard truth is that I still deeply want both – to explore my next threshold and to be with my son.
Meanwhile, the invites for adventures continue.
“Will you be there this year?! It’s gonna be epic!” my running friends text, their stoke leaping at me through SMS. But as my son ages, I’ve discovered that the seedlings of hesitation have germinated into sprouts of self-consciousness, and are growing into vines of guilt that pull at my heart to stay.
So as an Endurance Dad I’m caught in a conundrum, my heart screams to be in two places.
Recently, acclaimed endurance athlete Gary Robbins announced that he would be limiting his training to a “reasonable” level to make more time for his son, who’s the same age as mine. He wrote on Instagram,
“My son is growing up far too fast, and I don’t want to be staring at a 10 year old wondering where the time went, realizing I’d taken it all for granted.
I will still run, I will still train, I will still adventure & I will still race a few shorter distance events, but my goal and focus for 2022 and beyond is to spend way more one on one time with my boy, so that hopefully, when he’s old enough to make his own life decisions, he’ll then choose to spend a bit more one on one time with me.“
Robbins’ acknowledgment that our children’s lives somehow move even faster than finish line clocks was meant as a personal statement, but touched me deeply.
How do I reach peace if being away feels like abandoning my heart, and staying at home feels like letting myself wilt?
More seasoned parents have shared that age matters more than a first time Endurance Dad might understand. They’ve imparted that a child’s awareness increases, but then interest eventually wanes. “Be around while they care that you’re there.” An older friend cautioned.
Presence and prioritization
I adore my son. As all loving parents do.
His existence is the greatest gift I’ve ever received. And yet, as time has passed, it is with disbelief and sadness that I’ve had to accept the heartbreaking truth that not even he can complete me.
No child deserves such pressure. No mature adult looks outside themselves for such fulfillment.
So, I still have to run – for myself. Being an Endurance Dad is who I am, like it was for my father. But, I have to choose my solo moments carefully.
What I believe I’ve learned, and yet struggle to balance, in aiming to solve this impossible equation, is the importance of presence and prioritization. When I’m with him I strive to stop checking race updates and just be there with open ears and engaged eyes, no matter how exciting or dull the new game is that he’s concocted that day.
And although the invites from my endurance peers are well-intentioned, I’ve come to understand that I shouldn’t say “Yes” just because I’m asked. I should say “No” to most things.
But, once I’m gone, after I’ve caught the flight, my family has wished me well, and I’ve signed off Facetime, the key is to be as present as possible in that moment out in the world.
The truth is, the scared athlete in me always looks for an out. With the starting gun approaching, my stomach churning, and adrenaline setting in, the same question begins to circle ominously overhead, “This is awful, why do I do this?!”
But as an Endurance Dad, I’ve felt what life is like without these days, and understand the trade-offs I’ve made to get here and so I cannot afford to falter because my focus is fragmented.
No, in those hours that I’m away, when I’m embodying the part of me that needs to keep pushing in order to thrive, I must live fully in the moment without hesitation.
Because time will pass.
My son will grow.
And the moment we’re in will never return.
So in that hour, it’s on me, as an Endurance Dad, first to only accept invites that deserve such distinction, and then to embrace the pressure as a signal that I’m still growing, even as an aging endurance athlete.
In these select days, I must embody the strength, commitment, and passion that bridge between the idealized version of myself and the hope I have for my son. It turns out that this tension, which I lament and grapple with constantly, is less something to be solved, and actually a pressure that my son will inherit, if he’s as fortunate, as a guiding light in his own life.
46 comments
spince
late to the comment party because lower on my list of priorities than running is reading about running.. but loved the thoughts and focus on intention in the moment. I have six kids and have found our “morning adventures” to be a huge dad bonus. it allows my wife some quiet time, gets the kids outside and I get something that resembles a workout (raised heart rate, stress, awkward stares). nothing in the world beats time bonding with my kids!
Laurie Dewan
I love this call to be fully present in all of our dimensions: to take in mindfully – maybe even reverently -the joy, pain, frustration, fear, discovery, adventure of experiences we love. I identify with this in parenting, running, work and even my other relationships. To live fully in the moment without hesitation, honoring our commitments – that’s a beautiful calling. thank you for the honesty and inspiration!
Deb
This is great….for Dad’s. But what about Mom?
Rob Scharold
This article hit hard and straight to my own Endurance Dad dilemma. I will wake up at 4am on a Saturday, drive an hour+ to a trailhead, run for 3hrs and then be home by 10:30 with the full day ahead dedicated to family time and yet still feel selfish and guilty because I missed breakfast.
My son is approaching his 5th birthday and I feel like I miss time with him that I will never get back by going out for a run or running all day over the weekend. I rush back from races and long runs feeling guilty so that I can be home sooner, instead of enjoying what I have accomplished or any post race festivities.
My focus on performance is greatly diminished from my collegiate racing days but I do still want to feel like I am putting in a good effort during a race. So I want to run more than I do but time away from the family is difficult and I cant shake that feeling of selfishness. I know my son will one day understand why I push myself so hard to simply keep moving forward after hours of running/hiking but until then, I am just out running and all he wants is for me to come home and play toys with him.
Jim Brunner
Spot on…I’m also in this mix. Starting a business, husband and father of 2 (9 & 13). Training has trailed off since March but I’m trying to find the right mix of time and activities to get things started again on the running front. One day at a time…
Luke B
Encouraging to see other people confronting the same challenges that I am. I recently had to withdrawal from a planned fall 100 miler because it felt like my real priorities (wife, 3 yr old, 1 yr old, and work) were getting out of balance with the level of training I had previously been accustomed to. I have since taken some time to think about how I can still be present for my family, be a responsible employee, and train at a level that allows me to feel fulfilled. Part of that means reducing mileage and/or being flexible with off days, but if I plan well and am intentional about how I spend my time I am confident that I will still have a meaningful experience, even though it might not be “optimal” for performance.
And I definitely second the comment about running with your kids – my most rewarding runs have been pushing my girls in the double Bob, even if that means sacrificing mileage or structure of a workout. So cool to have them out there and to set a positive example!
maxmh
Having trained for a marathon recently and driving out the city to explore mountains I can wholeheartedly relate to your article and struggle, so thank you for sharing this. Nevertheless I think it’s truly important to think about what Bex wrote and that we should never forget the mum’s role, because she is the one actually struggling with not even having the same chance of being en endurance mum, especially in the first 3 years.
Peter Bromka
Thank you all so much for these kind comments.
The one thing I’ll add, is that at one point I did include paragraphs about Endurance Moms, and my wife Julia, and then realized that it was both insufficient and out of place. This is an essay about my love for running, and my son, and the beauty of those two intertwined in my life.
As for my wife Julia, she deserves much more than an essay ❤️
Holly
This article, if read with an open mind (I see some comments about “privilege” already) is wonderful for any parent to read.
I’m a new mom and while yes, I could choose to get angry about all sorts of things that aren’t addressed here, the POINT IS to be in the moment we’re in no matter what we are choosing.
Thank you. ❤️
Chris
Peter nailed. So we’ll thought out and written. A true parent’s observation. Thank you.
Zoë Rom
Such a brilliant read, PB!!
JAT
Thank you for writing this. I have a 2.5 year old and 8 month old. I just trained and ran a 100k, and have been really having increased anxiety and depression over my worries of being a dad and being present with them and trying to separate the two. This piece made me realize I am not alone and I appreciate the insight.
Bex
Women rarely, if ever, get to be an “endurance mom”. That’s a freedom I don’t have without negotiation, organization, and the ability to navigate social judgement. Appreciate your privilege and take an honest look at what it means for your partner.
Travis Macy
Great article Peter!
Andrew
As a kid, some of my fondest memories were of my dad taking me in the jogger (stroller), or running his first mile or so while I biked when I got older. I don’t remember how long he ran after we would go together, because the part that I spent with him was sufficient enough to make me happy. My advice – take your kid on a run sometime. Do something active with him in the park instead of an easy run. I always admired my dad and I’m sure your kid will too!
David E Yonda
I’m in the same boat as you all. Except now at 64 it’s with my granddaughter, we do day care 3 days a week. I’m training for Hennepin 100 , I’m in a good place, to show my granddaughter anything is possible. And still spend a significant amount of time with her. When I am gone she will remember I was present and did things most people could not or would not do. Hooray….
Tony Scott
What a great read. I’m retired now…and have never been an ultra runner but I did work long , long hours and sometimes was away for weeks on end. It is now that I look back wishing I had spent more time with my children. And yet…they all turned out great and well balanced adults. Keep running. Your son knows you love him and you are inspiring him. Ps..Are you certain you want your son to be an ultra runner and the pain that brings? Lol
MC
This was excellent. As a single parent runner, I struggle immensely with the balance. With the double-edged guilt of leaving my kiddo and trimming training. Thank you for sharing.
Andrea Davis, Ph.D.
This was so well written about the tension between these highly significant roles, thank you! I research and work with parents and write about parenting, so I was thrilled to see you describe the importance of your presence and attention to your son as a key factor in his growth and development! Our main job is to be a secure attachment base for our children – to build an attuned relationship which will down-regulate them when they are hyperaroused by big feelings and to up regulate them to curiosity and cognitive, physical, and especially emotional exploration through play together.
maxgimbel
Thanks for this great article, Peter. I’m also happy to share that at some point, if we are fortunate indeed and stay mindful of that balance, we may not need to make a choice between parenting and endurance running. This summer, my 14 year old and I have already ran one endurance event together, have another one on the schedule, and train together regularly. A dream come true.
Craig Romano
You spoke to me! I became a Dad late in life and have lived my entire life as an endurance and outdoor athlete. It has been a challenge balancing time demands and I am so fortunate that I can include my son in a lot of my activities. Of course ultra running isn’t one-but I do hope to someday share that with him-but need to make sure the bond is strong on the way there!
Dan Spangler
Thanks for the writing, Peter! This is a difficult topic not just for fathers but for endurance athletes with growing families. Thanks for the insights.
CBF
As an ultra dad and father of three (now grown children) I look back at our adventures and am glad for the time we spent together. I would always run early AM or late PM so as to not reduce time with the family…but incorporated running with my kids as soon as they showed interest. We would absolutely crush mountain training runs and the kids would run so fast downhill I could barely keep up. I look at photos from our training adventures (like the last 20mi of WS100) and wonder what people must’ve thought of me, at the time it seemed totally normal. If you start them off at an early age they’ll have an appreciation for the wild places, you’ll get to spend a bunch of time together and their perception of distance will be right in line with yours!
Blake mcgee
Great words. Earlier this year when we planned a beach vacation, my 4 year old son excitedly told me that he and mom were going to the beach and I was going to go run. That’s when it really hit me that I was spending quite a bit of time running. Albeit most of it before the family wakes up but still.
This has been, and continues to be something I battle with. Thank you for the insight!
Tyson Raff
Love your article Peter! Very relatable as a father of two young kids. As a life coach, I work with endurance athletes with kids to achieve their performance dreams while balancing family life. This topic is so needed!
bkroff
Spot on! A constant awareness of the two loves that pull for our time. I have learned to say no to a lot more events and the balance feels better. Glad to know I’m not the only one that fights this battle.
Terry Cowman
Somewhere there is a sort of balance and you’re very aware of your choices. Part of it is that you need to be who you are, for yourself, your wife and your son. Part of it is you know how much just being there means to them. The balance point will change frequently if you continue to pay attention, which can be hard when we commit to training programs.
Ally
This is what I needed to read 27 years ago when I started running ultras. I have another young one, so it is a good reminder though age and injury have pretty much stopped me at 8 miles. Hats off to your wife Peter who sounds like she is a supportive spouse/co-parent which is a critical part of making it work well. Not all ultra moms and dads get that kind of support.
Anna
As an endurance mom, this article is perfect and so incredibly relatable.
Jeremy Susi
Incredible piece Peter – your honest self-reflection and willingness to write vulnerably never ceases to amaze. As an outsider looking in, I can say with confidence that your son is lucky to have you as his father
Matt G
First time ever commenting on an internet article, but your words perfectly captured the dilemma that high performing parents experience in the early years, whether it be exercise, work, or a combination thereof. We are struggling with the same balance as we embark on the journey of raising two young girls, and your article helped provoke some thought and will definitely be shared and revisited. Thank you!
Tyson
Love your article Peter! Very relatable as a father of two young kids. As a life coach, I work with endurance athletes with kids to achieve their performance dreams while balancing family life. This topic is so needed!
Nick Sunderland
Definitely a dilemma especially with both parents working full time. So much to do and explore, so little time. My hope is once our daughter grows to the point of being able to join me assuming she’s interested in being outside exploring i’ll still be able to keep up in these types of things.
Eduardo Juarez
Very thorough as always and on point, thanks for this Peter, Girl Dad of three young ones.
Taylor G
I’ve been looking for this article for a long time, and then you wrote it! Thanks. Same boat here, with 2 little girls and a trail network out my door. The balance is tough to strike. I decided not to sign up for any races for 6 months and it’s been a lot better. Also, bike trainer for nap time has been great! Cheers to all the parents making it work!
Amy
Funny I just had this conversation to my airplane seat mate last week as he (father of 3) was headed to an Ironman. I was flying to the Governor’s Cup in Helena, MT. I’m 58 with adult children. Your right to be cognizant of those precious moments with your young son. I always say “Presence is everything”. Yet you must be a role model for hard-work, healthy lifestyle, and the need to pursue your dreams. There is no easy answer for these parenting dilemmas but you will find your balance.
Ryan Derkson
Fantastic read. As a dad of three girls every single word of this article rings true in my life and summarizes my daily life perfectly. Thank you for taking the time to share your thoughts and experiences! #endurancedad
Preston R Switzer
Awesome read. First time dad here and this hit me like a punching bag because I’m in my running clothes getting ready to go for a run when my son has just woken up.
Susanna K
Absolutely do true for us moms too! We learn in pregnancy though and accept that running and amazing races will always be there! I choose my events carefully and at this stage with an 11 and 7 year old- choose to prioritize their soccer games and swim stuff, taking them for hikes- over my stuff. That being said I want them to also learn that it’s not selfish to be an adult and parent who also prioritizes what brings us JOY!
Gavin Noble
I wish I could introduce you to my cherished-man-friend Dave Walker, Eastern States 100 Race Director and dad of three. He’s been out through hiking the AT this spring and is taking breaks to direct/run various ultras in PA. Reach out to me if you’d like to connect with him. His oldest kid is 12 so he has been doing the ultra/dad thing for a while! Stellar man and father!
Paul M
THIS! ???
wanderlush
Damn. well said…well said.
EM
Well said. All of life is a balance- especially with children.
Jenny
Wow, what an excellent article. As a pro endurance athlete and a new mum, I feel every single word of this. Thank you for writing it
Ed Dallmann
Great article